Start Here — When Someone Dies
A Word From Me
Hi there, my name is Rock Pifer. I've spent more than 35 years in pastoral ministry, and over those years I've walked with many families through the death of someone they loved.
I've sat with families when death was expected, and I've been with families when death came suddenly. I've helped people make decisions when they were hurting, confused, and sometimes simply didn't know what to do next.
I don't pretend that I can take away the pain of losing someone you love. But I can offer some practical guidance about the things that often have to be dealt with when someone dies.
That's why we've created this resource center. My hope is that it will feel a little like having someone sit down beside you and say, “Take a breath. Let's figure this out one step at a time.”
Where Would You Like to Begin?
You don't have to read everything on this page. Choose the question below that best fits where you are right now.
What Do We Do First When Someone Dies?
What Do We Do Next?
You're here because you're possibly a little confused. You're not sure which way to turn. What exactly should I do? What are my next steps?
Well, we're here to provide resources for you to help guide you on this pathway.
Because negotiating a death that has happened in any family can be very difficult. Emotions run high. Decisions need to be made quickly in some instances. And we're here to help.
Whether the death was expected or came suddenly, there is something I want you to hear before we go any further:
“Pause. Take a breath - You're going to make it through this - You can do this”
For some families, a loved one's death has been coming for a long time. Perhaps you've watched an elderly parent or grandparent grow weaker, or you've walked alongside someone through a long illness. You may have had conversations about what they wanted and thought you were prepared.
But when the day finally comes and you say that last goodbye, preparation doesn't eliminate the pain. There is still uncertainty. There are still decisions to make.
For others, your loved one was taken suddenly, without warning, and your world has been shipwrecked. You're hurt, confused, and you have no idea which way to turn. You may not have had insurance. You may not have money set aside for what comes next. You may simply be overwhelmed by everything that is suddenly being asked of you.
Whatever your situation, we're going to try to help.
Slow Down
One of the biggest mistakes I've noticed over the years when someone passes away is that families can feel as though everything has to happen immediately.
There are things that do need attention. The person who has died needs to be cared for, and the family needs to begin making some necessary arrangements. But that doesn't mean every decision about the funeral or memorial service has to be made immediately.
Once those pressing matters are being handled, take a breath.
You are allowed to ask questions. You are allowed to consider your options. You are allowed to say, "Let us think about that and get back to you."
Not all funeral directors are pushy, but I've met a few. And when a family is reeling with grief, that kind of pressure can be especially difficult.
That doesn't mean funeral directors are the problem. Many are kind, compassionate professionals who genuinely want to help families. But I would encourage you to ask people you trust—friends, neighbors, family members, pastors, or others in your community—who they would recommend.
A funeral director will be helping you make some important decisions. Choose someone you feel comfortable talking with, someone who will explain your options and give you room to ask questions.
And remember: you can slow down where you can.
Who Needs to Be Notified When Someone Dies?
When someone dies, one of the first practical questions is, “Who do we need to tell?”
The answer can feel overwhelming because there may be a long list of people who need to know. The good news is that you don't have to call everyone yourself, and you don't have to do it all at once.
Start with the people who need to know right away.
That usually includes close family members and anyone who needs to be involved in making immediate decisions. If there are children, siblings, parents, or other close relatives who are far away, make those calls as soon as reasonably possible.
Then think about the people who were part of your loved one's everyday life. Close friends, a pastor or other spiritual leader, coworkers, neighbors, members of a church or community group, and others may need to be contacted.
You may also have practical notifications to make. Depending on the circumstances, that can include an employer, school, insurance company, financial institutions, an attorney, or other organizations with which your loved one had an ongoing relationship.
Don't try to remember everything from memory. Make a list.
Write down the names of the people and organizations that need to be contacted. Beside each name, leave a place to record when the person was notified and any information you still need to follow up on.
A family member or trusted friend can take responsibility for making some of these calls. That can be a tremendous help, especially when you are emotionally exhausted.
There is also no requirement that every person receive a personal phone call. For some people, a text message or email may be perfectly appropriate. If the death is being announced more broadly, the family may eventually decide to use social media or another public notice, but that decision doesn't have to be made immediately.
Be especially careful with public announcements. Make sure the closest family members have been notified before news of the death is shared publicly. You don't want someone learning about the death through Facebook or another social media post.
And remember that notifying people is not the same thing as handling every practical matter connected with the death. Those responsibilities can be dealt with gradually.
Right now, your job is simply to make sure the people who need to know are informed.
Make the list. Ask for help. Make the calls that matter most.
You don't have to do all of this today.
Who Will Coordinate the Arrangements?
One of the first practical things I would encourage a family to do is identify a primary family coordinator.
There may be input from many members of the family, and there should be. But having one person who can serve as the primary contact will help prevent confusion.
That person can introduce themselves to the funeral director and to the pastor, priest, minister, or whoever else is helping the family. They can keep track of phone calls, emails, decisions, and questions and help make sure that everyone knows what is happening.
Being the family coordinator doesn't mean that person gets to make every decision. It simply gives everyone a go-to person so that ten different people aren't trying to coordinate the same arrangements at the same time.
Sometimes a daughter will take that role. Sometimes a son, spouse, sibling, or close friend will step forward. There is no one right person. What matters is that someone accepts the responsibility and that the rest of the family knows who that person is.
What Needs to Be Decided Right Now?
Once you have a primary family coordinator, there are a few important questions to begin working through.
What does the family want to do with the person who has died?
If you are considering burial or cremation, that is something you will want to discuss early because it affects the arrangements that follow.
Do you have a funeral director or cremation provider you know and trust?
If you don't, ask people you trust for recommendations. A good reputation in your community can be worth a great deal when you're trying to navigate unfamiliar territory.
Who needs to be contacted?
Begin with the people who need to know what has happened and those who will be helping you make the necessary arrangements. If you have a pastor, priest, or minister you want involved, contact that person. If you don't belong to a church, that doesn't mean you cannot ask someone you trust to help conduct or organize the service.
Does family need time to travel?
This is an important question that can easily be overlooked when emotions are running high.
Perhaps children or grandchildren live several states away. Perhaps a brother or sister is serving in the military or a family member is simply too far away to arrive immediately.
If having that person present matters to the family, talk about it before setting the date for the memorial. In many circumstances, there is no reason to assume that the service has to happen immediately.
Who will conduct the service?
The family may want to conduct the memorial themselves, and that's perfectly fine. A family member may be willing to lead it. Or you may want a pastor, priest, minister, or another person to help.
Don't assume that the person helping with the arrangements has to be the person who conducts the service. Ask the family what they want.
And if you do want someone to conduct the service, ask ahead of time about any honorarium or other customary payment. Practices vary, and it is much easier to have that conversation beforehand than to wonder about it afterward.
What Can Wait?
Now that you have some of the pressing issues settled—the primary family coordinator, the funeral director or provider, and the basic direction you want to take—it's time to take another breath.
Some things can wait a day.
One of the things I've seen trip up families is rushing decisions simply because they feel pressured to get everything settled immediately. When decisions are rushed, family members—especially those who live far away—may not have an opportunity to be part of the conversation.
Today, we have tools that make it much easier to include them.
Set up a Zoom meeting. Call them. Talk with them. Ask what they remember about your loved one and what they believe would be important to include.
You may discover things you hadn't thought about.
Perhaps someone in the family would like to sing a special song. Maybe someone has written a poem. Someone may have photographs they want to bring or a display they would like to create. Someone may have a story they want to share.
And here's something else to remember: just because someone has something wonderful to say doesn't mean they will be able to stand up and say it when the moment comes.
Grief can make that very difficult.
Someone may write a beautiful memory or poem and then discover that they simply cannot get through it without breaking down. That's okay. They can give what they've written to the person conducting the service, or to another family member who is comfortable speaking in front of a group.
Their words can still be heard.
As you talk together, you can begin deciding who will speak, what they might share, what music or readings might be meaningful, what photographs should be displayed, and what other personal touches would make this memorial truly reflect the person you are remembering.
You can also begin thinking about a memorial guest book or other ways for people to share their memories.
None of those decisions has to be made in a panic.
Take a day if you need it. Call your family. Talk to the people who are states away. Call your friends. Listen to one another.
And then, together, begin making a plan.
What If the Family Can't Agree?
One of the hardest things to work through when planning a memorial or funeral service is disagreement.
Emotions run high. Time constraints can press in. People may have very different ideas about how everything should go, and sometimes those disagreements can become hot and painful.
When you feel those emotions running high, it's time to pause and take a deep breath.
Listen to one another carefully.
And then consider the person who has brought you to this moment—the person you are caring for and remembering.
Ask yourself: What would they have wanted?
That question can sometimes change the entire conversation.
You don't have to settle every disagreement in one conversation. Regroup. Talk it out. Listen to one another. Consider the alternatives.
And make a plan.
You can do this
About Money
If you cannot afford an expensive funeral, please don't add guilt to the grief you're already carrying.
You don't prove how much you loved someone by how much money you spend on their funeral or memorial.
There are different ways to honor a life, and a meaningful memorial does not have to be an elaborate or expensive event.
We will talk more about the financial side of funerals, cremation, burial, and memorial services in other resources here. For now, I simply want you to know this:
You do not have to spend a great deal of money to honor someone you love.
You're Not Alone in This
There is a lot to think about when someone dies, but you don't have to figure everything out at once.
Take care of the things that truly need attention. Choose people you trust to help you. Ask questions. Listen to your family. Give people time to travel and participate when you can.
And when the immediate decisions have been made, slow down.
The memorial you create isn't simply an event you have to get through. It is an opportunity to remember a person you love—to tell their story, share their memories, and allow the people who knew them to say goodbye.
Pause. Take a breath.
You can do this.
Funeral vs. Memorial Service vs. Celebration of Life
When someone dies, you may suddenly find yourself hearing a lot of words you don't use every day.
Funeral.
Memorial service.
Celebration of life.
And you may be wondering, What's the difference? And which one are we supposed to have?
The first thing I want you to know is that there isn't one right answer.
These terms can mean somewhat different things, but there is also a lot of overlap. Families don't always use them in exactly the same way. What one family calls a funeral, another family may call a memorial service.
So don't get too caught up in the terminology.
What matters most is deciding what will be appropriate for your family and the person you are remembering.
What Is a Funeral?
Traditionally, a funeral is held relatively soon after someone dies and may include the body of the person who has died.
A funeral may take place in a funeral home, a church, or another location. It may include Scripture, prayer, music, a eulogy, a sermon or message, and an opportunity for family and friends to share memories.
For families who have a Christian faith, a funeral may also be an important time to talk about the hope we have because of Jesus Christ.
A traditional funeral can be a very meaningful way to say goodbye. But it isn't the only way.
What Is a Memorial Service?
A memorial service is a gathering to remember and honor someone who has died, usually without the body being present.
One advantage of a memorial service is that you don't necessarily have to do everything immediately.
Perhaps your daughter lives in Texas. Your brother is in California. Your grandchildren are scattered across the country. Maybe someone needs several days to make arrangements to travel.
That's okay.
A memorial service can take place days, weeks, or even months after the death.
It can be held in a church, a funeral home, a community building, someone's home, outdoors, or almost anywhere else that is appropriate and meaningful.
The important thing is not the building.
The important thing is the people who gather and the person they have come to remember.
What Is a Celebration of Life?
A celebration of life is another way of gathering people together to remember someone who has died.
The name itself often tells you something about the emphasis.
Rather than concentrating primarily on the formal elements of a traditional funeral, a celebration of life may spend more time telling stories, looking at photographs, listening to favorite music, talking about hobbies and interests, and remembering the things that made that person who they were.
Maybe Dad spent every Saturday morning working on an old truck.
Maybe Mom never missed her grandchildren's ball games.
Maybe your husband loved to fish.
Maybe your wife could turn a room full of strangers into friends.
Maybe your loved one served in the military, loved music, worked with their hands, raised animals, traveled, cooked, gardened, hunted, played golf, or simply loved sitting around the kitchen table with family.
Those things are part of the story.
And a celebration of life gives you an opportunity to tell that story.
So Which One Should We Have?
That's the question that really matters.
And there is no formula.
Instead, ask some simple questions.
What did our loved one want?
If they talked about what they wanted after they died, listen to those wishes.
What would be meaningful to our family?
Don't choose something simply because that's what somebody else did.
Do we want a religious service, a nonreligious gathering, or something in between?
There is room for different choices. A memorial can be deeply Christian, completely nonreligious, or somewhere in between, depending on the wishes of the family and the person being remembered.
Does our family need time to travel?
If people you love need several days or several weeks to get there, don't automatically assume you have to rush.
Do we want the person's body present?
That may help determine whether a funeral or memorial service makes the most sense.
Would a formal service or a more informal gathering better reflect the person we are remembering?
Think about who they were.
And finally:
What can we comfortably afford?
Please don't overlook that question.
You do not have to spend a great deal of money to have a meaningful gathering.
The goal isn't to put on the perfect funeral.
The goal is to remember a person you loved, gather the people who loved them, tell their story, and say goodbye.
There is more than one good way to do that.
So take a breath.
Talk with your family.
Think about what your loved one would have wanted.
And then make the choice that feels right for you.
You don't have to do this exactly like someone else did it.
You are remembering your loved one. Make it personal. Make it meaningful. And make it yours.
How to Plan a Memorial Service Without a Funeral Home
When someone dies, one of the first things you may hear is, “You need to call a funeral home.”
Sometimes you do.
A funeral home can provide important services, and there are things they are equipped to handle that you may not want to take on yourself.
But if what you're planning is a memorial service, you may not need a funeral home to organize the entire thing.
Some families choose to handle the memorial themselves. Maybe they want something simple. Maybe they want something more personal. Maybe money is tight. Or maybe they just don't want the memorial to feel like a formal production.
And that's okay.
A memorial service doesn't have to be complicated.
It doesn't have to be expensive.
And it certainly doesn't have to look like somebody else's memorial service.
Start With the Person You Are Remembering
Before you start making a list of everything that needs to be done, stop for a minute.
Think about the person you're remembering.
What would they have wanted?
What was important to them?
What was important to your family?
Those questions should have a lot to do with how you plan the service.
Maybe your loved one would have wanted a traditional Christian service with Scripture, prayer, and a message.
Maybe they would have wanted something much less formal.
Maybe they would have loved having everybody gathered in the backyard telling stories.
Maybe they would have wanted their favorite music playing and pictures of their life scattered around the room.
There's no rule that says every memorial has to look the same.
Decide Where You Will Gather
Once you've thought about what you want, decide where you want to gather.
It could be a church.
It could be a community building.
It could be someone's home.
It might be a park, a pavilion, a backyard, or another place that meant something to your loved one.
If you're using a public place or renting a facility, find out what rules and fees apply before you make your plans.
But don't overlook your own home.
I've been in plenty of homes where people gathered around a kitchen table, sat in the living room, or stood around the backyard and shared memories.
Sometimes that's exactly what people need.
You don't always need a building with a steeple and a parking lot full of cars.
Sometimes you just need a place where people can come together.
Decide Who Will Lead the Service
You don't have to have a funeral director lead a memorial service.
You may want a pastor, priest, or minister to conduct it. That's fine.
But maybe someone in the family is comfortable standing up and saying, “Welcome. We're glad you're here. We've come together today to remember Dad.”
That can work, too.
The person leading the service doesn't have to do everything.
They can welcome everyone, introduce the people who are participating, keep things moving, and make sure everyone knows what's coming next.
Someone else can pray.
Someone else can read Scripture.
Someone else can share a story.
Someone else can sing.
Don't be afraid to divide up the responsibilities.
Decide What You Want to Include
This is where your memorial begins to become personal.
You might include:This is where you get to make the memorial personal.
You might include a welcome, prayer, Scripture, music, a eulogy, stories from family and friends, photographs, a poem, a short message, or a time of sharing.
You don't need to use all of those things.
In fact, please don't add things simply because you think you're supposed to.
A memorial service isn't a contest.
You don't get extra credit because your program has twelve different parts.
Choose the things that mean something.
A favorite song may say more than another ten minutes of talking.
A photograph may bring back a memory that nobody else could have told.
A short story about something funny your loved one did may have everybody laughing through their tears.
That's part of remembering, too.
Give People an Opportunity to Share
One of the things I really like about a memorial service is giving people an opportunity to talk about the person they've come to remember.
You may want to have a time when family and friends can stand up and share a memory.
But there's something you need to remember.
Not everybody who has something to say will be able to say it.
Grief can do that.
Someone may have written the most beautiful memory you've ever read, but when they stand up in front of everyone, the words won't come.
That's okay.
Have someone else read it.
If somebody can't attend, ask them to send something that can be read during the service.
Their voice can still be part of the gathering.
Don't Forget the Personal Touches
This is where a memorial can become something really special.
Bring out the photographs.
Display some of your loved one's favorite things.
Maybe it's something from their military service.
Maybe it's an old fishing rod.
Maybe it's a favorite guitar.
Maybe it's a baseball glove.
Maybe it's a model car.
Maybe it's something they made with their own hands.
Maybe it's simply a photograph of them doing something they loved.
Those things tell a story.
And that's what you're trying to do.
Tell their story.
You don't have to spend a lot of money doing it, either.
Look around the house.
You may already have everything you need.
What About Food?
Well, if you're going to get a bunch of people together, somebody is probably going to ask, “What are we going to eat?”
That's okay.
Keep it simple.
Have everybody bring something.
Order pizza.
Make a big pot of soup.
Put out some sandwiches, cookies, coffee, and drinks.
Whatever works.
You don't have to hire a caterer and spend hundreds or thousands of dollars feeding people unless that's what your family wants to do.
Remember, the food isn't the memorial.
The people are.
Make a Simple Plan
Even if you're planning a very informal memorial, I recommend putting together a simple outline.
Write down who's going to speak.
Write down the songs.
Write down the Scripture readings.
Write down anything else you don't want to forget.
Then give a copy to whoever is leading the service.
Why?
Because when you're standing in front of a room full of people and you're dealing with your own grief, it's easy to forget what comes next.
I've seen it happen.
A simple piece of paper can be your best friend that day.
You Don't Have to Do This Alone
And please don't try to do everything yourself.
Ask for help.
One person can gather photographs.
Someone else can contact family members.
Someone can put together the music.
Someone can organize the food.
Someone can set up the room.
Someone can greet people when they arrive.
Someone can lead the service.
You don't have to carry all of that yourself.
You've already lost someone you love.
You don't need to make yourself exhausted trying to prove that you can handle everything.
Let people help you.
A Meaningful Memorial Doesn't Have to Be Complicated
If your family decides to plan a memorial service without having a funeral home organize it, that's okay.
You're not doing something wrong.
You're simply choosing to handle some of the arrangements yourselves.
Take a breath.
Talk to your family.
Ask for help.
Think about the person you're remembering.
And then make a plan.
Don't worry about making it perfect.
Make it meaningful.
The purpose of the memorial isn't to impress anybody.
It's to bring people together.
It's to remember someone you loved.
It's to tell their story.
It's to laugh a little.
Maybe cry a little.
And, when the time comes, to say goodbye.
That can happen in a funeral home.
It can happen in a church.
It can happen in a community building.
And it can happen around the kitchen table.
There is more than one good way to remember a life.
How Soon After a Death Should We Hold the Memorial?
One of the first questions families often ask after someone dies is, “When should we have the memorial service?”
Sometimes there is another question hiding behind that one:
“How quickly are we supposed to do this?”
The truth is, there isn't one timetable that works for every family.
Some circumstances call for a service fairly soon. Other families may need more time, and there is nothing wrong with that.
The important thing is to understand what needs to happen now and what can wait.
You Don't Have to Do Everything Today
There are some things that need attention when someone dies. The person who has died needs to be cared for. Family members need to be notified. There may be decisions about burial or cremation, along with other practical matters that can't be put off.
Once those immediate concerns have been handled, though, take a breath.
The memorial service doesn't necessarily have to happen tomorrow.
Grief has a way of making everything feel urgent. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn't.
Give yourself permission to separate the things that truly need to happen right away from the things that can wait a few days.
Think About Your Family
Family circumstances are another important consideration.
If your son lives three states away, or your daughter is serving in the military, or your grandchildren are scattered across the country, getting everyone together may take some planning.
That doesn't mean you have to wait indefinitely. It simply means that before you choose a date, consider who needs to travel and how much time they will realistically need.
Today, we have ways of staying connected that previous generations didn't have. A phone call, a group text, an email, or a Zoom meeting can help keep everyone informed while arrangements are being made.
Still, there are times when having someone physically present matters.
If a family member needs a few extra days to get there, it may be worth waiting.
There Is No Prize for Being First
I've seen families put tremendous pressure on themselves because they think everything has to be settled immediately.
It doesn't.
There is no prize for having the memorial service three days after someone dies. And waiting three weeks doesn't mean you have somehow failed to properly honor the person you loved.
The right timing is the timing that works for your circumstances.
Of course, practical considerations can affect how long you can wait. Burial arrangements, cremation, cemetery schedules, church calendars, facility availability, and other circumstances may all play a part.
That's why it is important to talk with the people helping you and understand what your options are.
But don't create an artificial deadline simply because you're afraid you're supposed to have everything finished immediately.
What About Cremation?
Cremation can give a family some additional flexibility when planning a memorial.
Once the cremation has taken place, the family may have more freedom to choose a date that works for everyone.
Perhaps that means waiting until family members can travel. Perhaps the family wants to gather on a birthday or anniversary that has special meaning. Perhaps everyone simply needs some time to get their feet back underneath them.
Any of those choices can be appropriate.
A memorial service doesn't become less meaningful simply because it wasn't held immediately after the death.
What If We Need More Time?
Then take the time you need.
There may be practical reasons for waiting. You may still be trying to determine what your loved one wanted. Family members may need time to work through disagreements. You may need time to find a location, gather photographs, put together memories, or make other arrangements.
And sometimes the reason is much simpler:
You're just not ready yet.
That's okay, too.
Grief doesn't follow a schedule, and neither does your readiness to gather people together and publicly say goodbye.
So When Should We Hold the Memorial?
The date itself isn't the most important part.
What matters is what happens when you gather.
Family and friends come together to remember someone they loved. Stories are told. Memories are shared. There may be laughter, there may be tears, and there may be moments when nobody quite knows what to say.
That's all part of it.
So if you're asking, “How soon do we have to do this?”, don't let the question create more pressure than you already have.
Take care of what truly needs attention.
Talk with your family.
Consider who needs to travel.
Think about what your loved one would have wanted.
Then choose a time that makes sense for your family.
You don't have to rush grief.
And you don't have to rush the memorial simply because you think everyone expects you to.
Who Should Be Involved in Planning the Memorial?
When someone dies, families can suddenly find themselves making a lot of decisions together.
Sometimes that's a wonderful thing. Other times, it can get complicated in a hurry.
Everyone loved the person who died. Everyone has memories. Everyone has an opinion about what should happen next.
And when grief is involved, even a small disagreement can become much bigger than anyone intended.
So who should actually be involved in planning the memorial?
Start With the Closest Family
The people who were closest to the person who died will naturally have the greatest interest in how the memorial is planned.
That might be a spouse, children, parents, siblings, or other close family members. Every family is different, and there isn't a formula that tells you exactly who should be sitting around the table.
What matters is giving the people who are most affected by the loss an opportunity to be heard.
That doesn't mean everyone gets to make every decision.
It simply means that before plans are finalized, take some time to listen.
One Person Should Help Coordinate
I've found that families do better when one person serves as the primary coordinator.
That person doesn't become the family boss.
They're simply the person who keeps track of what's happening.
They may communicate with the church or meeting location, keep in touch with the person conducting the service, gather information from family members, and make sure everyone knows what decisions have been made.
Without someone filling that role, it's easy for three people to make three different phone calls, two people to order the same thing, or somebody to find out about an important decision after it has already been made.
A coordinator can save everyone a lot of confusion.
Let Other Family Members Contribute
Having one coordinator doesn't mean everyone else sits on the sidelines.
In fact, this is a good time to ask family members what they remember.
One person may have photographs that nobody else has seen.
Someone else may remember a story from childhood.
A brother may know the perfect song.
A daughter may have a letter her mother wrote years ago.
Someone who lived across the country may have memories that the rest of the family never knew.
Those contributions matter.
A memorial becomes much more personal when it reflects the memories of the people who actually knew the person being remembered.
What If Someone Can't Be There?
Don't leave people out simply because they can't physically attend the planning.
A phone call can bring them into the conversation.
So can a group text, email, or video call.
You may even discover that the person who lives several states away has something especially meaningful to contribute.
They might have a favorite photograph, a story, a letter, or a song.
And if they can't attend the memorial itself, there may still be ways to include them in the service.
Distance doesn't have to mean exclusion.
What If Family Members Disagree?
This is where things can become difficult.
One person wants a traditional funeral. Another wants a celebration of life.
Someone wants a church service. Someone else doesn't want anything religious.
One family member thinks the service should be large and formal. Another wants everyone gathered around the kitchen table.
Before those disagreements become arguments, stop and ask a simple question:
What would our loved one have wanted?
That question won't solve every disagreement, but it can change the conversation.
The purpose isn't to win.
The purpose is to honor the person who brought everyone together in the first place.
Sometimes that means giving a little.
Sometimes it means listening longer than you planned.
And sometimes it means accepting that there may not be a perfect solution.
Don't Let the Planning Become Another Burden
There is a temptation during a time like this to make every detail important.
It isn't.
You don't have to settle every question at once.
You don't have to make every family member happy with every decision.
And you certainly don't need to create conflict over details that your loved one probably wouldn't have cared about.
Keep coming back to the big picture.
We're here because we loved someone.
We're trying to remember that person well.
We're trying to give family and friends an opportunity to gather.
We're trying to create a meaningful time of remembrance.
When you keep those things in front of you, some of the smaller disagreements have a way of becoming smaller.
One Final Thought
If you're the person coordinating all of this, remember that you are grieving, too.
It's easy to become so focused on making sure everybody else is okay that you forget to take care of yourself.
Let people help.
Delegate what you can.
Listen to your family.
And when the planning starts becoming too much, step away for a few minutes.
Take a breath.
Come back when you're ready.
You don't have to carry this whole thing by yourself.
What Happens if the Family Can't Agree?
Planning a memorial can bring out some strong emotions.
Everybody is grieving, but people don't always grieve in the same way. One person may want a traditional church service. Another may want something informal. Someone may feel strongly about cremation, while another family member had always assumed there would be a burial.
Then there are the smaller decisions.
What music should be played?
Who should speak?
Should there be a religious message?
How many people should be invited?
Where should the service be held?
Sometimes the disagreement isn't really about the memorial at all. It's about grief, memories, expectations, and the different relationships each person had with the one who died.
Start by Taking a Breath
When a disagreement begins, the easiest thing in the world is to dig in.
You know what you think should happen, and somebody else knows what they think should happen. Before long, you're no longer talking about the memorial. You're arguing about who's right.
That's when it's time to slow things down.
Take a breath.
Listen to what the other person is saying.
There may be something behind their position that you haven't heard yet.
A daughter may be insisting on a particular kind of service because her mother talked about it with her for years.
A brother may be pushing for something different because of a conversation he had with your father.
Someone who seems difficult may simply be hurting.
Ask the Most Important Question
When the family can't agree, come back to the person you're remembering.
What would they have wanted?
That question can change a conversation.
Instead of asking, “What do I want?” the family begins asking, “What would Mom have wanted?”
Instead of arguing about who's right, you're trying to figure out what would best honor the person who has died.
That doesn't always settle the disagreement, but it gives everyone a better place to begin.
Listen Before You Decide
Sometimes the best thing a family can do is stop trying to make a decision for a few minutes.
Let everyone have a chance to speak.
Ask what they remember.
Find out why a particular choice matters to them.
You may discover that two ideas aren't really as far apart as they first appeared.
Perhaps one person wants a traditional service because they believe that's what their father would have wanted, while another simply wants more time for family members to share memories. Those two things may be able to exist together.
Compromise doesn't mean somebody lost.
Sometimes it means the family found a better answer than any one person had by themselves.
Not Every Decision Has to Be Unanimous
This is an important one.
A family doesn't necessarily have to reach complete agreement on every detail before the memorial can move forward.
There will probably be things that some people care deeply about and others simply don't care about at all.
If your sister has a strong opinion about the music and you don't, let her help choose the music.
If your brother has photographs he believes should be displayed, listen to him.
If one family member feels strongly about having a particular Scripture read, talk about why it matters.
Some decisions are worth discussing. Others may not be worth turning into a family battle.
What If the Disagreement Becomes Heated?
When the conversation gets too hot, stop.
You don't have to finish the discussion right then.
Give everybody some time to settle down and come back to it later.
A memorial service is important, but it isn't worth damaging relationships that may have taken a lifetime to build.
And remember something else: you're all hurting.
Grief can make people say things they wouldn't normally say. It can make small issues feel enormous.
That doesn't mean hurtful behavior should simply be ignored. It means we should recognize that everyone in the room may be carrying a lot more emotion than they are showing.
Sometimes a little time can do wonders.
Bring in Someone You Trust
If the family simply cannot get past a disagreement, consider asking someone outside the immediate family to help.
That might be a pastor, trusted friend, counselor, or another person who knows the family well.
Sometimes people will listen differently when someone they trust is helping guide the conversation.
The goal isn't to have someone come in and decide who's right.
The goal is to help the family hear one another and find a way forward.
Remember What This Is About
At some point, the decisions have to be made.
The service needs a date.
Someone needs to decide who will speak.
The music needs to be chosen.
The location needs to be settled.
So after you've listened, talked, prayed if that is part of your family's life, and considered what your loved one would have wanted, make the best decision you can.
It may not be exactly what everyone would have chosen.
That's okay.
The memorial doesn't have to be perfect.
It needs to be meaningful.
And when the service is over, what people will remember most probably won't be whether every detail was exactly the way they wanted it.
They'll remember the person.
They'll remember the stories.
They'll remember who showed up.
They'll remember the love.
So when the family can't agree, slow down.
Listen.
Remember who you're doing this for.
And then, together, find a way forward.
What If We Don't Know What Our Loved One Wanted?
When There Were No Instructions
One of the most difficult situations a family can face is realizing that they don't really know what their loved one wanted after death.
There may be no written instructions. No one may remember having a conversation about burial or cremation. Family members may have different memories of things the person said, or they may not have talked about it at all.
If that's where you find yourself, don't panic.
You are not failing your loved one because you don't have all the answers.
Talk With the People Who Knew Them
Ask what each family member remembers. Sometimes a son remembers a conversation that a daughter never heard. A friend may know something the immediate family didn't know. A pastor, caregiver, or longtime neighbor may also remember something your loved one once expressed.
Look for anything your loved one may have left behind. There could be a will, written instructions, notes, insurance information, or other documents that provide some direction. Don't assume that one particular document will answer every question, but gather what you can.
Be Careful About What You Remember
At the same time, be careful about turning someone's casual comment into a binding instruction.
A person might have once said, "I'd never want a funeral," and later changed their mind. Someone else might have joked about being cremated or buried without ever having given the matter serious thought. Memories of those conversations can be helpful, but they may not settle the question by themselves.
When the Family Has to Make the Decision
When there is no clear direction, the family may simply have to make the best decision it can.
That's where remembering the person becomes important.
Think about their faith, their relationships, their personality, and the things that mattered to them. Consider whether they would have wanted something quiet and private or a gathering where many people could come together. Think about what would allow the people who loved them to say goodbye in a meaningful way.
You don't have to create the service they would have planned down to the last detail.
Sometimes there isn't a perfect answer. There is simply the best decision a family can make with the information it has.
And if family members disagree about what the person would have wanted, slow down before turning those differences into an argument. Share what you remember. Listen to one another. Ask what evidence each person has for their understanding.
Don't Let Guilt Become Part of Your Grief
Most of all, don't let the absence of a plan make you feel guilty.
Many people never make their wishes known. Families have to make these decisions every day, and they can do so with love and care even when they don't have clear instructions.
You may not know exactly what your loved one would have chosen. But you can still choose a way to remember them that reflects the life they lived and the people who loved them.Talk With the People Who Knew Them
What If We Can't Afford a Funeral or Memorial?
Don't Add Guilt to Your Grief
One of the hardest things a family may face after a death is realizing that they don't have much money available for a funeral or memorial.
If that's your situation, please hear this first:
You do not have to spend a great deal of money to honor someone you love.
The amount of money you spend does not measure how much you loved the person who died. An expensive funeral is not necessarily a more meaningful funeral, and a simple memorial is not a sign that you cared any less.
Start With What You Can Afford
Before you begin making arrangements, take an honest look at what you have available.
If there is insurance, a prepaid funeral arrangement, savings, or other money that you know will be available, include that in your thinking. But don't assume that you have to spend every dollar that becomes available.
Set a realistic amount that your family can comfortably afford.
Then tell the funeral director or cremation provider what that amount is.
Don't be embarrassed to talk about money.
Ask what the available options are. Ask what each service costs. Ask what is required and what is optional.
You may discover that there are choices you didn't realize you had.
A Meaningful Memorial Doesn't Have to Be Expensive
Some of the most meaningful memorials are surprisingly simple.
You might gather at a church, community building, home, park, or another place that mattered to your loved one. Family members and friends can share memories. Someone can read Scripture, a poem, or a favorite passage. You can play music that meant something to the person you are remembering.
Photographs can tell a story without costing much money. A few personal items can help people remember a hobby, a career, military service, favorite sport, or something else that was important to your loved one.
Food doesn't have to be elaborate either. Sometimes coffee, cookies, sandwiches, or a simple meal shared by family and friends is enough.
The memorial is not about how much you spent. It's about the person you came to remember.
Don't Borrow Money Just to Impress People
Families sometimes feel pressure to create the kind of funeral they think other people expect.
Try not to let that pressure make your decisions for you.
You don't have to compete with another funeral you've attended. You don't have to choose the most expensive casket, the largest venue, the biggest floral arrangement, or the most elaborate reception simply because you believe that's what a funeral is supposed to look like.
And be cautious about taking on debt you cannot reasonably afford simply because you are afraid someone will think you didn't do enough.
You can honor someone without putting your family into financial trouble.
Ask Questions and Compare Your Options
If you are working with a funeral home or cremation provider, ask for an itemized explanation of the costs.
Don't be afraid to ask, "Is there another option that costs less?"
You can also take time to compare providers when circumstances allow. You are not being disrespectful by asking questions about prices. You're trying to make a responsible decision during a difficult time.
If you don't understand a charge or don't understand why something is being recommended, ask.
There Are Different Ways to Remember a Life
A memorial doesn't have to look a certain way to be meaningful.
Maybe the family gathers around a table and shares stories. Perhaps a church service is followed by a simple meal. Maybe friends meet at a favorite outdoor location and spend an afternoon remembering the person they knew.
What matters is that the people who loved that person have an opportunity to remember, to share, and to say goodbye.
You don't prove your love by how much you spend.
Make the best decisions you can with the resources you have.
Take care of your family, too.
And remember that a simple memorial can still be a beautiful way to honor a life.
What If the Death Was Sudden?
When There Was No Time to Prepare
Some families have months or even years to think about the possibility of losing someone they love. Others receive a phone call that changes everything in a matter of minutes.
A sudden death can leave you feeling completely unprepared.
You may be trying to understand what happened while people are already asking questions about arrangements, family members are calling, and decisions need to be made.
If that is what you're experiencing, slow down as much as you can.
You don't have to have all the answers right now.
Give Yourself Time to Take It In
When death comes unexpectedly, the first hours can be confusing.
You may feel numb. You may cry. You may feel angry or frightened. You may find yourself doing practical things almost automatically and then suddenly realize what has happened.
There isn't a right way to respond.
Don't judge yourself because you're not grieving the way someone else is grieving. People respond to sudden loss in very different ways.
For now, take care of what truly needs attention and allow some of the other decisions to wait.
Don't Make Every Decision in the First Few Hours
There will be things that need to be handled promptly, but that doesn't mean you need to plan the entire memorial immediately.
If possible, gather the people who need to be involved and begin talking together.
Someone may remember something your loved one had said about what they wanted. Someone else may know where important information was kept. Another family member may be able to make calls or help with arrangements.
Let people help.
You May Not Know What They Wanted
A sudden death often means the family never had the conversations they expected to have someday.
There may be no written instructions. You may not know whether your loved one wanted burial or cremation. You may not know what kind of service they would have wanted.
That's difficult, but it doesn't mean you have failed them.
Do what you can to find out what information is available, talk with the people who knew them well, and then make the best decisions you can.
That's also why Section 8, “What If We Don't Know What Our Loved One Wanted?” is here. You don't have to solve that uncertainty all by yourself.
Take Care of One Another
In a sudden death, families sometimes become so focused on making arrangements that they forget to take care of the people who are hurting.
Make sure someone is checking on elderly family members. Pay attention to children and grandchildren who may not understand what has happened. Give people permission to step away when they need to.
And if you are the person coordinating everything, remember that you are grieving too.
You don't have to be the strong one every minute of every day.
There Will Be Time to Remember
Right now, everything may feel like it has been turned upside down.
The memorial can come later. The stories can come later. The photographs can be gathered later. There will be time to think about how you want to remember this person.
For today, take care of the things that truly need attention.
Call the people who need to know. Gather those you trust. Ask questions. Let others help.
A sudden death may have changed everything in a moment, but you don't have to figure out everything in a moment.
Take a breath.
Take the next step.
You can do this.
How Do I Choose a Funeral Home or Cremation Provider?
You Don't Have to Choose the First One You Find
If your family has never had to make funeral arrangements before, choosing a funeral home or cremation provider can feel like one more decision you don't know how to make.
You may already have a funeral home your family has used before. If so, you may feel comfortable calling them.
If you don't have one, that's okay too.
Ask people you trust who they have worked with. Friends, neighbors, family members, pastors, and others in your community may be able to tell you about their experiences.
Ask Questions Before You Agree to Anything
When you talk with a funeral home or cremation provider, don't be afraid to ask questions. It is always a good idea to talk to your family and create a list of questions to be asked when you go, and be sure to have ALL your questions answered.
Find out what the basic services cost and what additional services or products may add to the price. Ask what is required and what is optional.
If you're considering cremation, ask about the process, the timeline, and what happens before and after the cremation.
If you're considering burial, ask about the cemetery, casket, vault, transportation, and other costs that may be involved.
Ask for the information in writing.
It is much easier to compare your options when you can look at the information later rather than trying to remember everything someone told you while you're grieving.
Don't Be Afraid to Say, "I Need to Think About It"
You may encounter someone who makes you feel as though you need to make every decision immediately.
Some decisions may need to be made promptly, but that doesn't mean you have to say yes to everything that is presented to you on the spot.
It's perfectly reasonable to say, "I need to talk with my family about that."
If something isn't clear, ask them to explain it again.
If the price concerns you, say so.
If you don't understand why something is being recommended, ask.
Choose Someone You Feel Comfortable With
Price is important, but it isn't the only consideration.
You're going to be trusting this person or organization with some very important responsibilities. You want someone who will answer your questions, explain your options, and treat your family with respect.
Pay attention to how you feel during the conversation.
Do you feel heard?
Are your questions being answered?
Do you feel pressured?
Are they willing to explain less expensive options?
Those things matter.
You Have Options
Remember that you are not required to create the most elaborate funeral or memorial available.
There are many ways to honor a life, and a good funeral director or cremation provider should be willing to help you understand those choices.
The goal isn't to find the person who will sell you the most.
The goal is to find someone you can trust to help you through an important and difficult time.
Take your time where you can. Ask questions. Write down the answers. Talk with your family.
And if you don't understand something, ask again.
What Information Should We Gather Before Making Arrangements?
You Don't Have to Have Everything Ready
When you begin making funeral or memorial arrangements, you may be asked for information you haven't thought about in years.
That can feel overwhelming, especially when you're grieving.
You don't need to have every answer before you make the first phone call. But gathering some basic information can make the process easier.
Basic Information About Your Loved One
Start with the basics:
Full legal name
Date and place of birth
Date and place of death
Current address
Names of immediate family members
Marital status
Military service, if applicable
Occupation or significant places of employment
Church or other community connections
Some of this information may be needed for official records or arrangements. Other information will simply help you begin telling the story of the person you're remembering.
Look for Important Documents
If you know where your loved one kept important papers, begin looking for them.
That might include a will, insurance information, prepaid funeral arrangements, cemetery information, military records, or other documents that could help the family understand what had already been planned.
Don't turn the search into a frantic hunt for every document in the house.
Start with what you know, and keep a list of things you still need to find.
Gather the Things That Tell Their Story
This is also a good time to begin gathering photographs and other personal items.
You don't have to decide yet which photographs will be displayed or which stories will be shared. Just begin collecting them.
A favorite photograph. A military uniform. A Bible. A fishing rod. A piece of artwork. A favorite hat. Something connected to their work or hobby.
Those things may become meaningful parts of the memorial later.
Write Down What You Know
Grief can make it surprisingly difficult to remember simple details.
Keep a notebook or a folder where you can write down information as you find it.
Names. Phone numbers. Questions. Important documents. Things your loved one had said. Ideas for the memorial.
Having everything in one place can save you from trying to remember it all while you're dealing with everything else.
Let Other People Help
Someone else in the family may know where the insurance policy is. Another person may have photographs you've never seen. A brother or sister may remember important dates or family history.
Ask them to help gather information.
This isn't something one person needs to carry alone.
And don't worry if you don't have everything gathered before you begin making arrangements.
You can start with what you know and add the rest as you go.
The purpose of gathering this information isn't to create another burden.
It's simply to give you a little more order in a time that can feel very disorganized.
Take a breath. Make a list. Gather what you can. Then take the next step.