What Do We Do First When Someone Dies?

What Do We Do Next?

You're here because you're possibly a little confused. You're not sure which way to turn. What exactly should I do? What are my next steps?

Well, we're here to provide resources for you to help guide you on this pathway.

Because negotiating a death that has happened in any family can be very difficult. Emotions run high. Decisions need to be made quickly in some instances. And we're here to help.

Whether the death was expected or came suddenly, there is something I want you to hear before we go any further:

“Pause. Take a breath - You're going to make it through this - You can do this”

For some families, a loved one's death has been coming for a long time. Perhaps you've watched an elderly parent or grandparent grow weaker, or you've walked alongside someone through a long illness. You may have had conversations about what they wanted and thought you were prepared.

But when the day finally comes and you say that last goodbye, preparation doesn't eliminate the pain. There is still uncertainty. There are still decisions to make.

For others, your loved one was taken suddenly, without warning, and your world has been shipwrecked. You're hurt, confused, and you have no idea which way to turn. You may not have had insurance. You may not have money set aside for what comes next. You may simply be overwhelmed by everything that is suddenly being asked of you.

Whatever your situation, we're going to try to help.

Slow Down

One of the biggest mistakes I've noticed over the years when someone passes away is that families can feel as though everything has to happen immediately.

There are things that do need attention. The person who has died needs to be cared for, and the family needs to begin making some necessary arrangements. But that doesn't mean every decision about the funeral or memorial service has to be made immediately.

Once those pressing matters are being handled, take a breath.

You are allowed to ask questions. You are allowed to consider your options. You are allowed to say, "Let us think about that and get back to you."

Not all funeral directors are pushy, but I've met a few. And when a family is reeling with grief, that kind of pressure can be especially difficult.

That doesn't mean funeral directors are the problem. Many are kind, compassionate professionals who genuinely want to help families. But I would encourage you to ask people you trust—friends, neighbors, family members, pastors, or others in your community—who they would recommend.

A funeral director will be helping you make some important decisions. Choose someone you feel comfortable talking with, someone who will explain your options and give you room to ask questions.

And remember: you can slow down where you can.

Who Needs to Be Notified When Someone Dies?

When someone dies, one of the first practical questions is, “Who do we need to tell?”

The answer can feel overwhelming because there may be a long list of people who need to know. The good news is that you don't have to call everyone yourself, and you don't have to do it all at once.

Start with the people who need to know right away.

That usually includes close family members and anyone who needs to be involved in making immediate decisions. If there are children, siblings, parents, or other close relatives who are far away, make those calls as soon as reasonably possible.

Then think about the people who were part of your loved one's everyday life. Close friends, a pastor or other spiritual leader, coworkers, neighbors, members of a church or community group, and others may need to be contacted.

You may also have practical notifications to make. Depending on the circumstances, that can include an employer, school, insurance company, financial institutions, an attorney, or other organizations with which your loved one had an ongoing relationship.

Don't try to remember everything from memory. Make a list.

Write down the names of the people and organizations that need to be contacted. Beside each name, leave a place to record when the person was notified and any information you still need to follow up on.

A family member or trusted friend can take responsibility for making some of these calls. That can be a tremendous help, especially when you are emotionally exhausted.

There is also no requirement that every person receive a personal phone call. For some people, a text message or email may be perfectly appropriate. If the death is being announced more broadly, the family may eventually decide to use social media or another public notice, but that decision doesn't have to be made immediately.

Be especially careful with public announcements. Make sure the closest family members have been notified before news of the death is shared publicly. You don't want someone learning about the death through Facebook or another social media post.

And remember that notifying people is not the same thing as handling every practical matter connected with the death. Those responsibilities can be dealt with gradually.

Right now, your job is simply to make sure the people who need to know are informed.

Make the list. Ask for help. Make the calls that matter most.

You don't have to do all of this today.

Who Will Coordinate the Arrangements?

One of the first practical things I would encourage a family to do is identify a primary family coordinator.

There may be input from many members of the family, and there should be. But having one person who can serve as the primary contact will help prevent confusion.

That person can introduce themselves to the funeral director and to the pastor, priest, minister, or whoever else is helping the family. They can keep track of phone calls, emails, decisions, and questions and help make sure that everyone knows what is happening.

Being the family coordinator doesn't mean that person gets to make every decision. It simply gives everyone a go-to person so that ten different people aren't trying to coordinate the same arrangements at the same time.

Sometimes a daughter will take that role. Sometimes a son, spouse, sibling, or close friend will step forward. There is no one right person. What matters is that someone accepts the responsibility and that the rest of the family knows who that person is.

What Needs to Be Decided Right Now?

Once you have a primary family coordinator, there are a few important questions to begin working through.

What does the family want to do with the person who has died?

If you are considering burial or cremation, that is something you will want to discuss early because it affects the arrangements that follow.

Do you have a funeral director or cremation provider you know and trust?

If you don't, ask people you trust for recommendations. A good reputation in your community can be worth a great deal when you're trying to navigate unfamiliar territory.

Who needs to be contacted?

Begin with the people who need to know what has happened and those who will be helping you make the necessary arrangements. If you have a pastor, priest, or minister you want involved, contact that person. If you don't belong to a church, that doesn't mean you cannot ask someone you trust to help conduct or organize the service.

Does family need time to travel?

This is an important question that can easily be overlooked when emotions are running high.

Perhaps children or grandchildren live several states away. Perhaps a brother or sister is serving in the military or a family member is simply too far away to arrive immediately.

If having that person present matters to the family, talk about it before setting the date for the memorial. In many circumstances, there is no reason to assume that the service has to happen immediately.

Who will conduct the service?

The family may want to conduct the memorial themselves, and that's perfectly fine. A family member may be willing to lead it. Or you may want a pastor, priest, minister, or another person to help.

Don't assume that the person helping with the arrangements has to be the person who conducts the service. Ask the family what they want.

And if you do want someone to conduct the service, ask ahead of time about any honorarium or other customary payment. Practices vary, and it is much easier to have that conversation beforehand than to wonder about it afterward.

What Can Wait?

Now that you have some of the pressing issues settled—the primary family coordinator, the funeral director or provider, and the basic direction you want to take—it's time to take another breath.

Some things can wait a day.

One of the things I've seen trip up families is rushing decisions simply because they feel pressured to get everything settled immediately. When decisions are rushed, family members—especially those who live far away—may not have an opportunity to be part of the conversation.

Today, we have tools that make it much easier to include them.

Set up a Zoom meeting. Call them. Talk with them. Ask what they remember about your loved one and what they believe would be important to include.

You may discover things you hadn't thought about.

Perhaps someone in the family would like to sing a special song. Maybe someone has written a poem. Someone may have photographs they want to bring or a display they would like to create. Someone may have a story they want to share.

And here's something else to remember: just because someone has something wonderful to say doesn't mean they will be able to stand up and say it when the moment comes.

Grief can make that very difficult.

Someone may write a beautiful memory or poem and then discover that they simply cannot get through it without breaking down. That's okay. They can give what they've written to the person conducting the service, or to another family member who is comfortable speaking in front of a group.

Their words can still be heard.

As you talk together, you can begin deciding who will speak, what they might share, what music or readings might be meaningful, what photographs should be displayed, and what other personal touches would make this memorial truly reflect the person you are remembering.

You can also begin thinking about a memorial guest book or other ways for people to share their memories.

None of those decisions has to be made in a panic.

Take a day if you need it. Call your family. Talk to the people who are states away. Call your friends. Listen to one another.

And then, together, begin making a plan.

What If the Family Can't Agree?

One of the hardest things to work through when planning a memorial or funeral service is disagreement.

Emotions run high. Time constraints can press in. People may have very different ideas about how everything should go, and sometimes those disagreements can become hot and painful.

When you feel those emotions running high, it's time to pause and take a deep breath.

Listen to one another carefully.

And then consider the person who has brought you to this moment—the person you are caring for and remembering.

Ask yourself: What would they have wanted?

That question can sometimes change the entire conversation.

You don't have to settle every disagreement in one conversation. Regroup. Talk it out. Listen to one another. Consider the alternatives.

And make a plan.

You can do this

About Money

If you cannot afford an expensive funeral, please don't add guilt to the grief you're already carrying.

You don't prove how much you loved someone by how much money you spend on their funeral or memorial.

There are different ways to honor a life, and a meaningful memorial does not have to be an elaborate or expensive event.

We will talk more about the financial side of funerals, cremation, burial, and memorial services in other resources here. For now, I simply want you to know this:

You do not have to spend a great deal of money to honor someone you love.

You're Not Alone in This

There is a lot to think about when someone dies, but you don't have to figure everything out at once.

Take care of the things that truly need attention. Choose people you trust to help you. Ask questions. Listen to your family. Give people time to travel and participate when you can.

And when the immediate decisions have been made, slow down.

The memorial you create isn't simply an event you have to get through. It is an opportunity to remember a person you love—to tell their story, share their memories, and allow the people who knew them to say goodbye.

Pause. Take a breath.

You can do this.