What Happens if the Family Can't Agree?
Planning a memorial can bring out some strong emotions.
Everybody is grieving, but people don't always grieve in the same way. One person may want a traditional church service. Another may want something informal. Someone may feel strongly about cremation, while another family member had always assumed there would be a burial.
Then there are the smaller decisions.
What music should be played?
Who should speak?
Should there be a religious message?
How many people should be invited?
Where should the service be held?
Sometimes the disagreement isn't really about the memorial at all. It's about grief, memories, expectations, and the different relationships each person had with the one who died.
Start by Taking a Breath
When a disagreement begins, the easiest thing in the world is to dig in.
You know what you think should happen, and somebody else knows what they think should happen. Before long, you're no longer talking about the memorial. You're arguing about who's right.
That's when it's time to slow things down.
Take a breath.
Listen to what the other person is saying.
There may be something behind their position that you haven't heard yet.
A daughter may be insisting on a particular kind of service because her mother talked about it with her for years.
A brother may be pushing for something different because of a conversation he had with your father.
Someone who seems difficult may simply be hurting.
Ask the Most Important Question
When the family can't agree, come back to the person you're remembering.
What would they have wanted?
That question can change a conversation.
Instead of asking, “What do I want?” the family begins asking, “What would Mom have wanted?”
Instead of arguing about who's right, you're trying to figure out what would best honor the person who has died.
That doesn't always settle the disagreement, but it gives everyone a better place to begin.
Listen Before You Decide
Sometimes the best thing a family can do is stop trying to make a decision for a few minutes.
Let everyone have a chance to speak.
Ask what they remember.
Find out why a particular choice matters to them.
You may discover that two ideas aren't really as far apart as they first appeared.
Perhaps one person wants a traditional service because they believe that's what their father would have wanted, while another simply wants more time for family members to share memories. Those two things may be able to exist together.
Compromise doesn't mean somebody lost.
Sometimes it means the family found a better answer than any one person had by themselves.
Not Every Decision Has to Be Unanimous
This is an important one.
A family doesn't necessarily have to reach complete agreement on every detail before the memorial can move forward.
There will probably be things that some people care deeply about and others simply don't care about at all.
If your sister has a strong opinion about the music and you don't, let her help choose the music.
If your brother has photographs he believes should be displayed, listen to him.
If one family member feels strongly about having a particular Scripture read, talk about why it matters.
Some decisions are worth discussing. Others may not be worth turning into a family battle.
What If the Disagreement Becomes Heated?
When the conversation gets too hot, stop.
You don't have to finish the discussion right then.
Give everybody some time to settle down and come back to it later.
A memorial service is important, but it isn't worth damaging relationships that may have taken a lifetime to build.
And remember something else: you're all hurting.
Grief can make people say things they wouldn't normally say. It can make small issues feel enormous.
That doesn't mean hurtful behavior should simply be ignored. It means we should recognize that everyone in the room may be carrying a lot more emotion than they are showing.
Sometimes a little time can do wonders.
Bring in Someone You Trust
If the family simply cannot get past a disagreement, consider asking someone outside the immediate family to help.
That might be a pastor, trusted friend, counselor, or another person who knows the family well.
Sometimes people will listen differently when someone they trust is helping guide the conversation.
The goal isn't to have someone come in and decide who's right.
The goal is to help the family hear one another and find a way forward.
Remember What This Is About
At some point, the decisions have to be made.
The service needs a date.
Someone needs to decide who will speak.
The music needs to be chosen.
The location needs to be settled.
So after you've listened, talked, prayed if that is part of your family's life, and considered what your loved one would have wanted, make the best decision you can.
It may not be exactly what everyone would have chosen.
That's okay.
The memorial doesn't have to be perfect.
It needs to be meaningful.
And when the service is over, what people will remember most probably won't be whether every detail was exactly the way they wanted it.
They'll remember the person.
They'll remember the stories.
They'll remember who showed up.
They'll remember the love.
So when the family can't agree, slow down.
Listen.
Remember who you're doing this for.
And then, together, find a way forward.