How to Plan a Memorial Service Without a Funeral Home
When someone dies, one of the first things you may hear is, “You need to call a funeral home.”
Sometimes you do.
A funeral home can provide important services, and there are things they are equipped to handle that you may not want to take on yourself.
But if what you're planning is a memorial service, you may not need a funeral home to organize the entire thing.
Some families choose to handle the memorial themselves. Perhaps they want something simple. Maybe they want something more personal. Money may be tight. Or they may simply not want the memorial to feel like a formal production.
And that's okay.
A memorial service doesn't have to be complicated.
It doesn't have to be expensive.
Most of all, it doesn't have to look like somebody else's memorial service.
Start With the Person You Are Remembering
Before you start making a list of everything that needs to be done, stop for a minute.
Think about the person you're remembering.
What would they have wanted?
What was important to them?
What was important to your family?
Those questions should have a lot to do with how you plan the service.
Perhaps your loved one would have wanted a traditional Christian service with Scripture, prayer, and a message. Someone else might have preferred something much less formal. A backyard gathering with everybody telling stories may have been exactly what they would have enjoyed.
Favorite music and photographs of their life might tell their story better than a formal program ever could.
There's no rule that says every memorial has to look the same.
Decide Where You Will Gather
Once you've thought about what you want, decide where you want to gather.
It could be a church.
It could be a community building.
It could be someone's home.
It might be a park, a pavilion, a backyard, or another place that meant something to your loved one.
If you're using a public place or renting a facility, find out what rules and fees apply before you make your plans.
Don't overlook your own home, either.
I've been in plenty of homes where people gathered around a kitchen table, sat in the living room, or stood around the backyard and shared memories.
Sometimes that's exactly what people need.
You don't always need a building with a steeple and a parking lot full of cars.
Sometimes you just need a place where people can come together.
Decide Who Will Lead the Service
You don't have to have a funeral director lead a memorial service.
A pastor, priest, or minister may be the person you want to conduct it. That's fine.
But perhaps someone in the family is comfortable standing up and saying, “Welcome. We're glad you're here. We've come together today to remember Dad.”
That can work, too.
The person leading the service doesn't have to do everything. They can welcome everyone, introduce the people who are participating, keep things moving, and make sure everyone knows what's coming next.
Someone else can pray.
Another person can read Scripture.
A family member can share a story.
Someone else can sing.
Don't be afraid to divide up the responsibilities.
Decide What You Want to Include
This is where your memorial begins to become personal.
You might include a welcome, prayer, Scripture, music, a eulogy, stories from family and friends, photographs, a poem, a short message, or a time of sharing.
You don't need to use all of those things.
In fact, please don't add something simply because you think you're supposed to.
“A memorial service isn't a contest”
You don't get extra credit because your program has twelve different parts.
Choose the things that mean something.
A favorite song may say more than another ten minutes of talking. A photograph may bring back a memory that nobody else could have told. A short story about something funny your loved one did may have everybody laughing through their tears.
That's part of remembering, too.
Give People an Opportunity to Share
One of the things I really like about a memorial service is giving people an opportunity to talk about the person they've come to remember.
You may want to have a time when family and friends can stand up and share a memory.
But there's something you need to remember.
“Not everybody who has something to say will be able to say it”
Grief can do that.
Someone may have written the most beautiful memory you've ever read, but when they stand up in front of everyone, the words won't come.
That's okay.
Have someone else read it.
If somebody can't attend, ask them to send something that can be read during the service.
Their voice can still be part of the gathering.
Don't Forget the Personal Touches
This is where a memorial can become something really special.
Bring out the photographs.
Display some of your loved one's favorite things.
Something from their military service.
An old fishing rod.
A favorite guitar.
A baseball glove.
A model car.
Something they made with their own hands.
Simply a photograph of them doing something they loved.
Those things tell a story.
And that's what you're trying to do.
Tell their story.
You don't have to spend a lot of money doing it, either.
Look around the house.
You may already have everything you need.
What About Food?
If you're going to get a bunch of people together, somebody is probably going to ask, “What are we going to eat?”
That's okay.
Keep it simple.
Have everybody bring something.
Order pizza.
Make a big pot of soup.
Put out some sandwiches, cookies, coffee, and drinks.
Whatever works.
You don't have to hire a caterer and spend hundreds or thousands of dollars feeding people unless that's what your family wants to do.
Remember, the food isn't the memorial.
The people are.
Make a Simple Plan
Even if you're planning a very informal memorial, I recommend putting together a simple outline.
Write down who's going to speak.
Write down the songs.
Write down the Scripture readings.
Write down anything else you don't want to forget.
Then give a copy to whoever is leading the service.
Why?
Because when you're standing in front of a room full of people and you're dealing with your own grief, it's easy to forget what comes next.
I've seen it happen.
A simple piece of paper can be your best friend that day.
You Don't Have to Do This Alone
Please don't try to do everything yourself.
Ask for help.
One person can gather photographs. Someone else can contact family members. Another person can put together the music. Someone can organize the food, set up the room, greet people when they arrive, or lead the service.
You don't have to carry all of that yourself.
You've already lost someone you love.
“You don't need to make yourself exhausted trying to prove that you can handle everything”
Let people help you.
A Meaningful Memorial Doesn't Have to Be Complicated
If your family decides to plan a memorial service without having a funeral home organize it, that's okay.
You're not doing something wrong.
You're simply choosing to handle some of the arrangements yourselves.
Take a breath.
Talk to your family.
Ask for help.
Think about the person you're remembering.
Then make a plan.
Don't worry about making it perfect.
Make it meaningful.
The purpose of the memorial isn't to impress anybody.
It's to bring people together, remember someone you loved, tell their story, laugh a little, and maybe cry a little.
And, when the time comes, to say goodbye.
That can happen in a funeral home.
It can happen in a church.
It can happen in a community building.
And it can happen around the kitchen table.
There is more than one good way to remember a life.