What If the Death Was Sudden?

When There Was No Time to Prepare

Some families have months or even years to think about the possibility of losing someone they love. Others receive a phone call that changes everything in a matter of minutes.

A sudden death can leave you feeling completely unprepared.

You may be trying to understand what happened while people are already asking questions about arrangements, family members are calling, and decisions need to be made.

If that is what you're experiencing, slow down as much as you can.

You don't have to have all the answers right now.

Give Yourself Time to Take It In

When death comes unexpectedly, the first hours can be confusing.

You may feel numb. You may cry. You may feel angry or frightened. You may find yourself doing practical things almost automatically and then suddenly realize what has happened.

There isn't a right way to respond.

Don't judge yourself because you're not grieving the way someone else is grieving. People respond to sudden loss in very different ways.

For now, take care of what truly needs attention and allow some of the other decisions to wait.

Don't Make Every Decision in the First Few Hours

There will be things that need to be handled promptly, but that doesn't mean you need to plan the entire memorial immediately.

If possible, gather the people who need to be involved and begin talking together.

Someone may remember something your loved one had said about what they wanted. Someone else may know where important information was kept. Another family member may be able to make calls or help with arrangements.

Let people help.

You May Not Know What They Wanted

A sudden death often means the family never had the conversations they expected to have someday.

There may be no written instructions. You may not know whether your loved one wanted burial or cremation. You may not know what kind of service they would have wanted.

That's difficult, but it doesn't mean you have failed them.

Do what you can to find out what information is available, talk with the people who knew them well, and then make the best decisions you can.

That's also why Section 8, “What If We Don't Know What Our Loved One Wanted?” is here. You don't have to solve that uncertainty all by yourself.

Take Care of One Another

In a sudden death, families sometimes become so focused on making arrangements that they forget to take care of the people who are hurting.

Make sure someone is checking on elderly family members. Pay attention to children and grandchildren who may not understand what has happened. Give people permission to step away when they need to.

And if you are the person coordinating everything, remember that you are grieving too.

You don't have to be the strong one every minute of every day.

There Will Be Time to Remember

Right now, everything may feel like it has been turned upside down.

The memorial can come later. The stories can come later. The photographs can be gathered later. There will be time to think about how you want to remember this person.

For today, take care of the things that truly need attention.

Call the people who need to know. Gather those you trust. Ask questions. Let others help.

“A sudden death may have changed everything in a moment, but you don't have to figure out everything in a moment”

Take a breath.

Take the next step.

You can do this.