What If We Don't Know What Our Loved One Wanted?

When There Were No Instructions

One of the most difficult situations a family can face is realizing that they don't really know what their loved one wanted after death.

There may be no written instructions. No one may remember having a conversation about burial or cremation. Family members may have different memories of things the person said, or they may not have talked about it at all.

If that's where you find yourself, don't panic.

“You are not failing your loved one because you don't have all the answers”

Talk With the People Who Knew Them

Ask what each family member remembers. Sometimes a son remembers a conversation that a daughter never heard. A friend may know something the immediate family didn't know. A pastor, caregiver, or longtime neighbor may also remember something your loved one once expressed.

Look for anything your loved one may have left behind. There could be a will, written instructions, notes, insurance information, or other documents that provide some direction. Don't assume that one particular document will answer every question, but gather what you can.

Be Careful About What You Remember

At the same time, be careful about turning someone's casual comment into a binding instruction.

A person might have once said, "I'd never want a funeral," and later changed their mind. Someone else might have joked about being cremated or buried without ever having given the matter serious thought. Memories of those conversations can be helpful, but they may not settle the question by themselves.

When the Family Has to Make the Decision

When there is no clear direction, the family may simply have to make the best decision it can.

That's where remembering the person becomes important.

Think about their faith, their relationships, their personality, and the things that mattered to them. Consider whether they would have wanted something quiet and private or a gathering where many people could come together. Think about what would allow the people who loved them to say goodbye in a meaningful way.

You don't have to create the service they would have planned down to the last detail.

Sometimes there isn't a perfect answer. There is simply the best decision a family can make with the information it has.

And if family members disagree about what the person would have wanted, slow down before turning those differences into an argument. Share what you remember. Listen to one another. Ask what evidence each person has for their understanding.

Don't Let Guilt Become Part of Your Grief

Most of all, don't let the absence of a plan make you feel guilty.

Many people never make their wishes known. Families have to make these decisions every day, and they can do so with love and care even when they don't have clear instructions.

You may not know exactly what your loved one would have chosen. But you can still choose a way to remember them that reflects the life they lived and the people who loved them.