What Should We Know About Cremated Remains?
If you've chosen cremation, you may eventually find yourself holding an urn and wondering, “What do we do now?”
That can bring up a whole new set of questions.
How much remains? What can we do with them? Do we have to bury them? Can we keep them at home? Can family members share them?
There are several possibilities, and you don't necessarily have to make every decision immediately.
What Container Will the Remains Come In?
The cremation provider will generally return the cremated remains in a container.
That doesn't necessarily have to be the container you ultimately want to use.
Some families choose a decorative urn. Others choose something simple. The choice can be based on what the family wants, where the remains will be kept, and what the person who died may have wanted.
You don't have to make the urn decision in a hurry.
Do We Have to Bury the Cremated Remains?
No. Burial is one option, but it isn't the only one.
Depending on your circumstances and local requirements, families may choose to:
Keep the remains in an urn at home.
Place the urn in a cemetery or columbarium - a building or structure at a cemetery where cremated remains are placed in individual compartments, often called niches.
Scatter the remains in a meaningful location where permitted.
Divide the remains among family members.
Choose another appropriate form of memorialization.
The choices available to you can depend on local laws, cemetery rules, and the location where you want to place or scatter the remains.
If you're considering something specific, ask the cremation provider or the appropriate local authority what rules apply.
Can We Keep the Remains at Home?
Some families choose to keep cremated remains in their home.
For them, having the urn nearby can provide a sense of connection and a place to remember the person they loved.
Other families may find that keeping the remains at home isn't comfortable for them.
There is no reason to assume that one choice is right for every family.
Think about what will be meaningful and comfortable for the people who will be living with that decision.
Can the Family Divide the Remains?
Some families choose to divide cremated remains among family members.
That might allow one person to keep an urn at home while another family member has a portion to place somewhere meaningful.
If you're considering dividing the remains, talk with your cremation provider about what is possible and how it can be done appropriately.
It's also worth having a family conversation before making the decision.
Make sure everyone understands what is being planned.
What If We Don't Know What to Do With Them Yet?
You don't necessarily have to decide immediately.
Grief can make permanent decisions especially difficult.
Perhaps the family isn't sure whether to bury the remains, keep them at home, or scatter them somewhere meaningful. Perhaps family members live in different parts of the country and need time to talk about it.
That's okay.
You can keep the cremated remains safely while you consider your options.
A decision made later can still be a meaningful decision.
What If Family Members Disagree?
This can become an emotional issue.
One family member may want to keep the remains at home. Another may want them buried. Someone else may have always believed the person wanted their remains scattered.
Before the disagreement becomes a fight, slow down.
Go back to the same question we've used throughout this resource center:
What would our loved one have wanted?
If there are written instructions or clear wishes, those should be taken seriously. If there aren't, listen to one another and try to find a solution that respects the person you are remembering and the relationships within the family.
There Is More Than One Way to Remember a Life
Cremated remains are one part of what happens after someone dies.
They aren't the memorial itself.
The urn doesn't tell the whole story. The location where the remains are placed doesn't tell the whole story.
The story is in the life that person lived and in the memories of the people who loved them.
Whether the remains are kept, buried, scattered where permitted, or handled in another appropriate way, what matters most is that the decision is made thoughtfully.
You don't have to make every decision today.
Take a breath. Ask questions. Talk with your family.
Then, when you're ready, decide what you want to do with the cremated remains of the person you love.