When a Death Is Especially Hard
← Memorial Resources · By Rock Pifer · Last reviewed November 2026
Some deaths are harder than others to talk about.
A suicide. The death of a child. A person whose life was hard, or who left behind hurt and broken relationships.
I've led memorial services for people who took their own lives, and for people whose lives were hard and whose reputations followed them. Those are the hardest services I've ever done.
If you're facing one of them now, I want you to know this: you are not alone, and you don't have to have all the answers.
If You're Struggling Right Now
If you're having thoughts of ending your own life, please reach out now. In the United States, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time of day or night.
You matter. Please don't carry this alone.
You May Want to Keep It Quiet
Many families in these situations would rather not have a service at all. Some feel shame. Some are afraid of what people will say. Some just want to get it over with quickly and quietly.
Those feelings are understandable.
But a gathering, even a small one, can give people a place to grieve together. It doesn't have to be large. It doesn't have to be at a funeral home. It can be a few people at a church, in a home, or outdoors.
You Decide What to Say
You don't owe anyone the details of how someone died.
If people ask, a simple answer is enough. "We lost him suddenly." "She was very sick, and we miss her." You can decide what to share, and with whom.
If the death was a suicide, some families choose to speak about it openly, hoping it will help someone else. Others don't. Either choice is all right.
Focus on the Whole Life
The way a person died is not the whole story of who they were.
Remember the good. The way they laughed. What they loved. The people they cared for. The times they showed up for someone.
Even a hard life had moments of kindness, beauty, and love. Those deserve to be remembered.
After the Death of a Child
There are no words big enough for this kind of loss.
Give yourselves permission to do the service your own way. Some families want something small and private. Others want everyone who loved the child to come.
Let brothers and sisters, cousins, and friends take part if they want to, with a drawing, a letter, or a song. Ask your pastor, hospital chaplain, or funeral director for help. Many have walked with other families through this, and they can help you plan something gentle and fitting.
Choosing Someone to Lead
Ask someone to lead the service who can speak with compassion and honesty. A pastor who will not preach at the family, but will bring comfort and hope.
I've never turned down the chance to share a message at a funeral, no matter how hard the circumstances. It's a chance to share the love of God with a family when they need it most.
Get Support for Yourself
These kinds of losses often leave questions that may never be answered, along with guilt that doesn't belong to you.
Talk with someone. A pastor, a counselor, or a support group for families who've lost someone the same way. You don't have to work through this alone.
And be patient with yourself.
God is close to the brokenhearted, even here.
Related Questions
Next step: What Happens After Everyone Goes Home?